Of Thinking, Feeling, Blanks and Reality Checks

It was a planned hiatus...I was wanting very badly to understand my feelings for a lot of things around me. Sometimes, there is so much to feel and then, there is nothing at all..just a blank state of affairs.

So many things don't mean there is any choice that is a eventuality...sometimes choices are a whole lot of noise...and then there is perceptible cognitive dissonance.

I was hoping the break would serve its intention...to just be and let the wandering mind find an answer without being subjected to openly do so.

I do know that I don't want to be stuck in any which way...and its strange coz the harder I delve inside of me...I know the truth is I am. A lot of us are. We try to draw the line for " accommodation"...in many spheres or the many realities of our lives.

But its a strange world we live in...sometimes our realities are so surreal...so not understandable...and I often feel defeated in my forever attempt to remain strong and restrained thru it all.

What often bugs me is the forced optimism of our era. The phenom of just thinking happy or just thinking everything is going just fine...I hate propaganda of this make believe...

It sways you from thinking realistically..optimism is essential in the right measure it is not the entire measure...and this has taken me a while to come to.

Ideologies are everywhere...so many soothsayers are making money this way...all of us need a road to follow in the hope that it is the one that will lead us somewhere...

But the truth is there is no one single road... we all have our own paths to make. We need to make make them... draw our own map... pave our own way.

Optimism only helps to the extent of making us believe we can... but beyond that, its really hard work and whole lot of thinking thru circumstances and being critically circumspect.

I think, I lost my way ...I lost a lot of me...and when I realised there is so much missing inside...that I have become empty...is when I realised I needed to back off. So many vague fears , unspecified feelings ...unknown ambitions and dreams....

I could not keep running...my feet were giving away...they had given up long time ago...I didn't realise it though. Where was my ground...what was I running on...had I been disillusioned...had I been dreaming?

Just being for the past so many days was a way ....sometimes silences are a great salvo. Sometimes a cup of tea in a favourite corner helps....sometimes distances are useful.

I don't think I have really arrived at any answer... I just know I am at the moment curing my disillusionment...the vagueness and lack of vision.

It is so important for me to see thru my brains than let the heart take over.