Indigo Moon

Its been an interesting-the past 90 days or so...my surgery is over. I'm "almost" back to normal life I am none the wiser..but clearly thinking more-its difficult to judge "quality" of the thinking  between the mood swings and high patches, but at least, the old grey cells are showing signs of electrical activity!

some relief that is I suppose.

Much of my defenses are down, mostly worn away by the incessant weakness that physically plagued me, so I feel almost naked and devoid of any facades and walls built up over the years have been broken.
I'm not sure if I feel free or  I feel fear or is it the overwhelming sense at having to rebuild once again -almost everything from scratch.
The old battle that rages -personal happiness over professional, does not have a logical moralistic conclusion. Like Don Draper- it is attracted to the decision that makes me feel intellectually and emotionally younger.
You can guess my conclusion now.

What I do know , is my battle with my self is over and I don't foresee a war on the horizon. Its easier to shut my eye and dig deeper-sleep deeper.

I am not picking up the pieces any more- I'm lying in my hammock between two trees near the ocean between  now and forever...with a paintbrush in one hand and a pencil  in the other.