This break has been truly cathartic in many ways.
I did not know that an emotional recovery would take this long. I thought I’d be done and over with all the pain and stress and combats and confusion.
While its been a painful and difficult…I am also growing up. I understand now what I read, and I comprehend what I hear. I am also able to discern my action. I am still clueless about direction…and I am sure deep down no one really know their pathways in life, but at least we all try to understand our actions and circumstances.
In ways, this is an important phenomenon…with all the complexity and confusion we weave into our lives, how many of us realize that there are different dimensions in all of us waiting to be explored? There is more to life than this...and even more…if we only knew and understood this.
This not a new theory….I sure we all read these things in magazines and self help books and constantly talk about it …feel the stress of our self implicated confused and complex lives and none of us really have anything to going beyond talking and thinking about it.
I guess, experience is the best bet. When you are on your own with TIME finally on your hand, and u feel the need to fill it meaningfully…u realize, that while u may have read a lot of things and discussed them over and over again…u just don’t know at the time ( when u should need to)…how to put it all in place.
Despite knowing everything…we still donot know. We are still challenged and seeking.
I have come to realize that there are some many answers out there…but just not the right question. This is the biggest irony of it all.
Sometimes I stand in my lil library…look at all the books and say,” hey..ive got it all here, I have all that I need ..if I ever had a question.” And then I realize , I donot know where to begin!
Wot is this enigma we are faced with??? We have all the time saving machined we need, and more get added every day, enough ways and means to make our life “meaningful”, all the self help books to guide us, science keeps makes progress in every field as we know it. Religion simplified, decoded to make us understand right from wrong, we have ways and means to belong and un belong, there is enough food ( thogh not evenly distributed, but if it were… ) to save us from starvation, choices in every walk of life….and I could go on and on…
YET! We are lost ,confused, wanting….wot does this all mean?
I wish I knew how to answer this question, but…I know we try and we fail.
I don’t know why no matter what we do…our attempts at various forms of happiness are “empty”.
Not that many of us are explicitly unhappy…we all have had enough doses of psychological botox to hide our feelings and nagging concerns. Yet we know and realize this somewhere at the back of our minds.
Maybe, the problem lies in our needs and our lack of understanding. Do we expect too much and understand too little to realize… the beauty of what we have? Or is our constant search for what do not have dampens our enjoyment of what we have?
I don’t know yet. But I wish I knew.
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