taking baby steps

May 19, 2016

And sometimes , somethings start to make sense.

I know the last couple of my notes have been so vague, but honestly…there is a lot of vague churning inside of me as well. The last few years have not been easy…seeing Dad’s health unravel and dealing with my own reasons for reasons ( why am I working the way I am working ? what am I giving priorities to ? why do I tend to run away from things ? do I need a tag ( that a Job, Corporation, Association gives me ) to identify myself  ?).
While its easy to say the answers to all of the above is NO. but honestly its only by way of experience that I have realised…its indeed so. You just need to believe in yourself ( another one of those pithy sayings…but understood only with actual experience ).

The past few months - I have consciously tried to keep away from people and things that only added value of association…and no real sense of bonding. And the experience has been fulfilling. At the end of the day the only people who care at all- are those whom you matter to emotionally.  And I am fine with that…you know its something akin to having your teeth cleaned…take away the tartar of ego…its “hurts” a bit ( and more after) …but you get along just fine in time…and with bright pearlies too !

Mindfulness, Reading and Contemplation are slowly taking much more space in my life…which just fine considering that I barely could fine time to breath in my previous avatar. Learning how to slowdown…at “ almost getting to 40” seems a bit late in the day…but its better to be late that never in Life.


May 16, 2016

Sometimes, you question the path you take. 

The last few weeks have been challenging and interesting in many ways. I have been living outside my bubble and now i uneasily breathe a concoction of experiences that i would normally alienate , or disregard. Everyday my sense of sense of self gets questioned, inside of me a voice questions my motives and all that I stand for , what is my truth ?

What is Truth anyways?

My dreamland has lately erupted with all my secret fears and feelings. Its unsettling but also vastly revealing.  I thought my cravings were diminishing by the day…but they are well alive into the night in my dwam or dream. And then there is “need” to search for calm and intense calm - and I’m not so sure if I can handle so much calm. Sure a 60 minute calm is doable…anything more “seems” stifling. Maybe its not- but I question my readiness.
And then I realise...

Life will not wait for you to get ready.

So I continue to struggle with what to do professionally, personally and spiritually. Being away from Heartman for such a long time also makes it hard. And the tough task of working out the method to this madness around me ensues.

There is no rest for the wicked. ;)

Grinding Halt.

May 14, 2016

I know I am very erratic when it comes to writing. It is a strange thing- something that I actually very much like, I do very little of! Sigh. I even had my blogger page done up a bit in the hope that I might write more frequently, especially when I know I have so much to say.
Yet, I can’t seem to make enough priority for it- enough to do it frequently.
And then here I am- finally .

The past few months have been “something else”. I had an exhausting and even numbing 2015…so I was really hoping to slow down a bit and maybe find my self. I even quit my job for that…little did I know that Life probably wanted me to come to a “grinding halt”…not just pause and meander of sorts even…a grinding halt.
Initially it felt interesting, so much time…and the possibility of gearing up for a chase and possibly even chasing somethings as well. But as January came about there were a couple of personal things that got me engaged. Just when I thought I could be making progress…I got knocked down…had to re work things on a personal ( family) level. And then , just when I was trying to gear back , the biggest blow came in March or rather 31st March…when the universe decided to call Baba ( Dad) back.I don’t think I was ready for it…there was so much left to say to him and i miss him so much. I have never felt so numbed and broken as much as I feel now and just when I was hoping to take life forward…it asked me to come to a grinding halt. Like a full life size signboard stating STOP right in the middle of the road of your Life’s journey. 
I don’t mind it, its a need of the hour…but I’m in a space where I just don’t know whats going on any more…my attempts to take any initiative to move life forward ( career wise ) or (family wise) are thwarted…by reasons and rationales beyond me…I only have me and my emptiness and my loss as two steady companions . Their only job is to make me delve deeper and deeper into my self…till point break and potentially beyond.

Its all very confusing and frustrating at the moment. But I know I can’t really fight this…So I am not and despite the inner drive to figure somethings out, I am not even trying.

Maybe there is a reason for status quo, maybe there is a reason for this pain. I will only know in time. But in the meanwhile I will need to hang in there and love the ride ( even if I don’t).


Mar 14, 2016

is where my hopes and dreams animate,
where my soul breathes and rejuvenates;
it is that oasis of calm that unhinges weighty facades 
and robes me in my truths.

is where all my friends - the tomes -await
with open arms and varied tales  ,
and that steaming cup of ginger tea that never fails 
to meld the day's din into a quiet symphony.

is where it's set to Spring forever
despite the bleary Winter or harsh Summer.
It is the technicolor microcosm of my every sensation and recall, 

It is where I may fail but never fall. 

~ Rohinee 

Dust : A Sensory Perception

Feb 2, 2016

I remember the first time I walked into the attic- I didn’t want to.

It was for a 7th grade geography or science project and I was working on a sci-fi land ‘s erupting volcano. I distinctly remember asking Mom to buy me some mattel pieces to reflect the apocalypse like scenario I was trying to build– toy cars, robots, maybe even Aquaman ?.
But Mom insisted I check out the attic first! I begged and pleaded for new pieces , but she insisted that I must at the least go up and take a look- who knows what I might find!? She said it like it was good thing- but I already had this sinking feeling –as suddenly every sense of warmth left my body.
I was spooked about going up to the attic.

It was hard walking up the stairs to get there, what with my heart pounding and my mind conjuring images of the things that go bump in the night. Who knows what I might “bump” into.  I felt like I had these heavy anchors strapped to my feet…and my forehead began to moisten by itself as tiny drops of water began to trickle down the right side of my face.
I walked up to the attic door, turned the door knob right while constantly feeling the tiny plastic figurine of Superman  in the left pocket of my pant.– muttering “we have got this right ?! “.
But as soon as I turned the knob – the door “creaked” open (the creaking part was in my mind I think)- and as I took the first step in, “it” hit me right in the nose.

I felt like I was inhaling some moist powdered air that was creeping swifty up my nasal wall – like angry ants on a rampage. And the only response I had was a expelation of subdued cough through my mouth. But the “ants” seemed to have made it to my throat…which by now had started to get warm and ticklish – and not in any nice a way. Then there was this odor – that I could not quite identify what it was…it felt old and lost like years in amnesia and neglect. Like my neighbor’s grandfather – who is always staring out of the window – like he is looking at you- but is not.

I wanted to get this done and over with quickly. I was here to scout for parts for my project, so I ventured in further into the attic, still firmly feeling “Sups” between my thumb and forefinger.

So when was the last time some one walked in here? Magazines, books, maps, paper clippings, empty frames, picture albums, umbrellas and even an old lonely teddy who badly needed a hug…there were so many things here! But all of them were covered with particles or rather a very thin veil of these particles . And as I watched it- the veil, drops began gathering in my eyes and I blinked to allow them to pass. I didn’t like this veil, it was all over the place- like a usurper who had marked its territory and staring at it made me very uncomfortable. Like I was being watched.

What is this thing? What is this strange- weird powdery thing that’s cloaking everything I see ? As I began to ponder , I realized that my head had started to feel like it had tiny bricks hurling inside, like a volcanic kiln and the heat was escaping through my eyes . I began to rub them – the eyes-  only to make them itch and water more. I hated this attic, I hated this confounding veil of particles all around me- cloaked in a kind of omerta that pieced my heart- making it cave in.   This veil was insidious, it was everywhere and it was my kryptonite – weakening me by the minute by its all pervasive presence.
It was hard taking in a breath – I had to force  my self to inhale with out further irritating the “ ants “so my mouth had to step in sucking in air in bits for the nose. My face twitched, it felt heavy and pressured like it was being pressed into a wall.

The physical revolt soon turned to a full blown civil war as I reached to counter attack the itch at the back of my neck with a scratch- first gently and then with a little more vigor and then some more vigor and the more I scratched, the more it itched.
Itches travel fast and they scooted right to my arms – making them crimson as I scratched and as if on cue horrendous sneezing took over like my whole body wanted to exit from my nose!
That’s when I realized they had attacked me! . Those particles- like microscopic gremlins- were hacking away into me as a punishment for walking into “their land”…..like “I” had come to steal treasure from them.

….. “the last thing I remember…I was running for the door. I had to find the passage back to the place I was before…”

I got up late ...but so what ?

Jan 30, 2016

It's 2016...and its time to Rock n' Roll!!!
I know I'm late at kicking this gig off...but hey, it's taken me a little while ( a lot longer than expected...I know, I know...) to get into the groove of things...because as usual I am pretty indecisive- swinging between should I start today or is tomorrow better ?

And then yesterday I read this really cool quote...in fact it was a delicious quote from a smart woman ...Stella Adler. 

So I ask myself, will 2016 be that year? Will it be the year the "real" me stands up and faces her truth ? Will the real me take a stance on what dream I would like to chase and then vigorously chase  it ? I am hoping I don't slump into laziness or defeat...especially not after all that passed over the last few years. It would be a shame if I did.


OMO ( on my own)

Dec 11, 2015

One of the many interesting questions I get asked now a days by various folks and acquaintances ( at an interesting frequency rate to boot ! ) is what do I do with all my time ? Do I get edgy ? Do I miss having to go somewhere 5 days of the week ? Do I miss engaging with other "human beings", how am I "coping" ? and what do I mean when I say " I'm at home" ....it's with such genuine curiosity ( and often smugness ) that I  get asked - that it almost behoves a response from me, when I would rather just give a curt reply or worse withdraw iso my own shell. 

What is interesting is usually the way the "concern " gets expressed . It says a quite a bit about our wiring now a days . And it makes me wonder why have we come to the point where we measure ourselves with the extent of our seeming "busyness" ? , is the concept of  a "break" or  "doing nothing" a sacrilege? - and what's with the smugness ? .

To be entirely fair - times ( in general everywhere) are not easy for most of us ( me included ) , the ordinary , middle class folk - it does take a bit to make ends meet. But the key question I assume is how much is enough to be happy and or content ?  And the answer to that can vary - I wish there was a right answer like- "not much", but that won’t be the truth. 

I think the answer is a bit more “subjective” than “objective”….