I’m still trying to figure things out…everything seems in so much flux, my moods, my temperaments…my analysis of situations- my reality and my perception of reality are all on a constant un ending roller coaster ride- fun initially but now I’m feeling pretty giddy and I hate this churning feeling .
The problem is this part of me wants to cut loose and part of me questions what would I do after that. My bête noir is pummeling me in every way possible. Torn at what tears me apart and somehow all the cajoling by Heartman and the folks to let go…have not helped me solidify a response, or devise an alternative or basically move from the whirlwind…it’s like being prisoned in my own mind….caught in a death grip.
What holds me back…I’m certain it’s foolishness…or a part of me that enjoys excruciating pain.
Life is certainly no fairy tale…well not for a quiet a few of us…its hard work and struggle but it’s not hopeless. The fear is being trapped in this “hopeless” sense perennially, such that it is painful to even smile , or for that matter remain in a a constant fear that the smile or even a fleeting sense of happiness is just illusory and a precedence to something more darker – to the extent that it must be feared. Its all warped this dismal gauge.
There is no simple answer- no matter how easy it is to say "hey! this is the logical solution" ( being stop the thinking, start living positively etc etc) or " hey! this is how to conclude" ( being just look for alternative, as if it were such an easy task)…its not math or science . It’s a damn confused state of mind.
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