I know I am very erratic when it comes to writing. It is a strange thing- something that I actually very much like, I do very little of! Sigh. I even had my blogger page done up a bit in the hope that I might write more frequently, especially when I know I have so much to say.
Yet, I can’t seem to make enough priority for it- enough to do it frequently.
And then here I am- finally .
The past few months have been “something else”. I had an exhausting and even numbing 2015…so I was really hoping to slow down a bit and maybe find my self. I even quit my job for that…little did I know that Life probably wanted me to come to a “grinding halt”…not just pause and meander of sorts even…a grinding halt.
Initially it felt interesting, so much time…and the possibility of gearing up for a chase and possibly even chasing somethings as well. But as January came about there were a couple of personal things that got me engaged. Just when I thought I could be making progress…I got knocked down…had to re work things on a personal ( family) level. And then , just when I was trying to gear back , the biggest blow came in March or rather 31st March…when the universe decided to call Baba ( Dad) back.I don’t think I was ready for it…there was so much left to say to him and i miss him so much. I have never felt so numbed and broken as much as I feel now and just when I was hoping to take life forward…it asked me to come to a grinding halt. Like a full life size signboard stating STOP right in the middle of the road of your Life’s journey.
I don’t mind it, its a need of the hour…but I’m in a space where I just don’t know whats going on any more…my attempts to take any initiative to move life forward ( career wise ) or (family wise) are thwarted…by reasons and rationales beyond me…I only have me and my emptiness and my loss as two steady companions . Their only job is to make me delve deeper and deeper into my self…till point break and potentially beyond.
Its all very confusing and frustrating at the moment. But I know I can’t really fight this…So I am not and despite the inner drive to figure somethings out, I am not even trying.
Maybe there is a reason for status quo, maybe there is a reason for this pain. I will only know in time. But in the meanwhile I will need to hang in there and love the ride ( even if I don’t).
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